Gnome and Garden

At the Fair

A Day at the Animal Sanctuary

At the Zoo

Cousin Birthday Bash

Memorial Day Baby

Pinwheel Garden

Counting

These past six weeks of recovery have been a difficult blessing.

For weeks I was in pain. And it seemed it would be forever until I could bend to tie my shoes or pick up my son.

The grandparents have supported Me and my Blueberry everyday on the road to recovery.

And even though I make a stubborn patient and have suffered from cabin fever....I was given time with my boy, my son. A true blessing.

The memories I have of this recovery are filled with my boy...and not the physical recuperation of a major surgery.

During this time I watched him advance from a few staggered steps to walking around the house carrying his big blue ball...he had his first serious cold...gave up his pacifier...started big people foods...and began to be weened away from his beloved bottle.  We had a crazy day at Chuck E Cheese and he had his first adventure at an art museum. So much in just a short time....and I was with him every step...every day.

We have become close.

I feel like a mama.

I go back to work in a few days....and my heart is already beginning to break.

I have always been stubborn, strong willed, independent, and worked hard at all my schooling and at every job position I have  held.  I like to work. I am dedicated. I am thankful for my job and what it provides.

But...

If there was a way to have more time with my son, my sweet boy, my little family...and still financially survive...I would take it.

I love my blueberry boy.

First Cut

Before

After

My precious boy had his first hair cut.

I have been very reluctant to have his locks chopped....his hair was just beginning to curl in the back.

Alas I had to concede his bangs were out of control and that it was time.

His hair was cut by a very nice lady that saves me every six months from the mop that grows on my head.
She was so gentle and spoke so kind to him during the entire hair cut.

He sat on my lap, a blue comb to entertain him in each little fist, and never squirmed or fussed...not once.

Now my baby looks like my little man.

Beep Beep

My little Blueberry has been a busy guy.

This past weekend we attended his cousin's 2nd birthday party at Chuckie Cheese.

What a crazy place.

Our E loved every minute of the kid induced magical mayhem that accompanies pizza, soda pop, arcade games, and a large rodent  in purple cruising around the joint high-fiving the kids.

Growing up my siblings and I had pretty basic birthday parties.  I ruled at the clothes pin drop game.  Mom used to keep the big Mason jar under the sink.  I used to practice in the kitchen preparing for birthday parties.  A place like Chuckie Cheese was myth and legend to us as children.

Note: I am the only one in my family that had the opportunity to go to Chuckie Cheese when I was in fifth grade.  My best friend's parents took us for receiving a perfect "A" report card---we presented our cards and received a free pizza.  It was the first time I played ski ball and loved it. Now, at the age of 36, I was a little disappointed because I could not locate the ski ball in the arcade.

E used all his tokens.  He rode all the cars, an electric horse, the carousel, and slid down his first slide.  He clapped and smiled the entire time.

And he only swiped a little bit of the icing on his cousin's birthday cake with his curious one year old hands...

Sick Days

My blueberry is sick.
Runny nose.
Cough.
A fever here and there.
An overall fussy ill little guy.

My family has had to come to the rescue to care for E after my surgery. And now they are pulling double duty as  grandparent babysitters and nursing aids.

Pap Pap came for the day, put on his headband, and dove in to the serious work of caring for my ailing baby boy. The headband usually comes out for yard work, painting projects, or moving households from one home to the next. Today it came out for feedings, diaper changes, baths, and lots of play time (when E felt up to it).

The grandparents (and an auntie) stay with us until E goes down for the night. Long days for everybody. And then E has to make it through the night---because I cannot comfort him through the night due to my lifting restrictions. He has to be a tough guy.

I admit....I have shed a few tears myself these past few days...because my heart wants me to be the one to primarily care for my boy.  His little snot fountain of a nose peeks up over the pillow I keep on stomach...his tired eyes confused as to why mama can't pull him onto her lap.  Poor baby dude has taken to leaning against my legs with his blanket as an attempts to cuddle with his mama.

As I began to write this in the wee hours of morning I heard his cough and moans from his crib. I waited at his door and searched the night air to hear his labored breathing under the sound of the vaporizer. When I heard his precious breath I had to fight the urge to enter his room. It will be hours until the next grandparent shift starts...this mama needs to get some sleep...but listening for my little one is way more important to my heart.

Mama Down

I am recovering from a recent surgery.

I asked the anaesthesiologist how long the surgery was going to be.
She answered between ten minutes to an hour.
Mine was way  over the hour mark.

I tend to be a stubborn person.  Try to do it all on my own.
But with a blueberry a year old and getting his land legs....I have needed a lot of help.

My main restriction is lifting.  My little man has to be passed to me while I am seated. We need assistance with meals, baths, and most importantly--- play time.

I am thankful for every minute of each helping hand---but I have to admit it is very difficult to fight the urge to pick up your own lovely wee lad when he reaches for you.

I know if I put my stubbornness on the back burner and listen to the advice of doctors and love ones I will recover sooner than later.

I hope so.

Because as soon as I get the green recover light I will  sweep that sweet boy up into my arms and deliver a thousand mama kisses that will make both of us giggle and wiggle with glee.

Blueberry Birthday

Whooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooosh!!!!!!!!!!!!

This has been the fastest year of my life.
(the longest was the year of the pregnancy....of course).

He's one year old today.

My precious, beautiful boy.


Only my lovely blueberry would eat his first piece of cake with a spoon before he joyfully dove in  head first...purple icing clogging his little nose.

Motherhood

When I became pregnant last year I was initiated into a new club.  The club of motherhood. 

I had a very difficult time as a pregnant working woman.  My life was changing on all fronts.  High Blood pressure, water retentionion, heart burn, carpal tunnel, and a pesky hernia challanged my stamina daily. If it was in my handy dandy guide to maternity---I had it. Plus I still had to put in long hours during the holidays.

At work I was very private about my pregnancy and its challanages.
But somewhere near the end, when it was obvious I was struggling daily with my preganancy I was initated to the club.

Of course all the nice things---like baby gifts and the ohs and ahs of a bun in the oven was to be expected.  What I had not expected was the stories that women were willing to share with me...from women I only knew at work...women that I managed at my store for years.

The stories went beyond long labors and special cravings in the night. I was  pulled to the side at work to hear their own personal short stories about miscarried babies, still born babies, babies wanted, babies longed for,  and babies lost. Each woman opening just briefly to let me into their heart, to share their sorrow, to share their joy. As if to let me know that I am not alone in this journey...even if the road takes an unexpected turn...we are not alone. We are mothers.

Even after my Blueberry arrived in the world---my membership has continued.
The most recent story has lingered in my heart these past few days.
A relative of a woman at work lost her two month old daughter to SIDS this past week.  The baby girl had her bottle and went down for a nap and never woke.

Absolute heartbreak.

It is hard for me to breathe when I think of this story, when I think of the look in the woman's eyes as she told me this story.  Told me because she had to let it out....it was weighing heavy on her mind while she worked away her day.

That night I rocked my E to sleep.  Before he closed his eyes for the night we said a prayer together...for the baby girl and her mother.

The next morning I cracked the door to his room to listen for his breathing as he slumbered. Upon hearing his little sigh I thought about what a thing it is to be a daughter of Eve.

How joyous.
How sorrowful.
How amazing.
How strong.
How fragile.

My heart beats for the love of my son.
For the love of being a mother.

Down on the Farm

I worry about my blueberry.

If he is reaching his milestones to early...to late...did I miss something...does he need more...does he need less? Am I doing the right things to ensure that he has a chance of being happy in this crazy mixed up world?



The last two days have been  snow days filled with hours of Blueberry playtime. We have been wearing our cozy sweaters and comfy pants.

He has taken a shine to a new friend---a holiday present that was tardy...a green squeaking dinosaur from the movie Toy Story.

E loves to hear the dino squeak.  They play hide and seek.  They dance and play the drum together. And they love to play on the farm. E  feeds the pig and the sheep to the eager kelly green t-rex.  A lot of love there.  You can see E look into the eyes of the dino as if he was real.  He talks his little sweet words to the t-rex and will grab him, hug him, and offer the dino his silly sloppy baby kisses.

So maybe I am doing something right.  It just took a squeaking green dino to show me what I had been looking at the entire time: a happy baby.

Happy New Year!

My blueberry is getting to be a big little boy!


Every year I make some resolutions.  And some times I even make good on them.
This year my resolution is simple and complicated---to respect myself again.


Before the baby my life was getting on track----I was painting, reading, feeling better about the way I looked, starting a new life out on my own.  Exciting stuff.


Working long work weeks and cramming baby-family quality time into any free moment I could find made last year the best exhausting year of my life....but some things about my life tended to drift away.
So this year I plan to reign them back in.

• to keep better in touch with my friends
• to travel
• to paint
• to read
• to write
• to garden
• to eat better
• to exercise more
• to save

and a few new things:

• a vacation as a family
• learn to walk in high heals
• a promotion
• learn to finally sew

I want to offer my blueberry a beautiful and interesting world---and to do that I need to get back to being myself. He deserves the best mama I can be.